When I started this blog I had every intention of writing almost every day. I made a ‘goal’ list and was going to be ‘one of those organized bloggers’. Obviously I have failed. The reasons I have failed are numerous but they all pretty much boil down to one reason. That reason has been hard for me to write about but I think is necessary for me to address so that I can move on in my blogging career.
My family means everything to me. My boys light my world and my husband is my best friend, my confidant. However there are days when I can’t breathe. These feelings started about four months ago. Feelings of complete hopelessness, failure, and overwhelming minutes of not knowing how to cope. There were moments of wanting to shut myself in my bedroom and not come out. To hide, if you will, from the ‘social’ scene. I had feelings of wondering why I couldn’t handle being in the same room as my husband. I was really struggling with these feelings. I was in prayer about them, reading my bible and trying to get past them. I put myself in social settings with other moms and although I would be sitting there, trying to participate in the conversation or playtime, I didn’t feel as though I was connecting. I never talked about it though. I thought something was wrong with me. Here I am so blessed, I love my boys so much and yet I was struggling to be happy. My mother is and was such an awesome mom. She would do the coolest stuff with us. My sister is the bomb. It’s like she has everything together. About a month ago I had an epic melt down. Two days later I made an appointment to talk to someone. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t tell anyone about it. I even made a doctor’s appointment for Ivan to cover for my appointment. She was so great, the lady I talked to. She herself was a mother of three and understood where I was coming from. It felt so good to talk, to get my frustrations out in the open. To realize that there isn’t anything wrong with my…well at least not of catastrophic proportions. She suggested I make a list of things my husband could do that would help me cope. Things that could happen on a daily basis. At first I thought that was ridiculous. Why should I have to give my husband a list to understand me. It isn’t like I have a list that I follow. Then I started thinking, it isn’t like he knows what I need. He needs me to communicate with him before I get so stressed out that I have a meltdown. So two weeks later I did just that, I made a list. Here we are about a month later and I am starting to feel normal again. I have realized that feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I am not doing what is best for my kids, feeling like I can’t breathe….a lot of mothers have those feelings. It doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad mom. I have really struggled with this transition of being a working mom to a stay-at-home mom. I realize that there are women out there that don’t struggle with it, but I am not one of them. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard, but for me the hardest part is feeling fulfilled. It sounds so bad because I have been given the greatest gift, my children. I am not saying it isn’t fulfilling being a stay-at-home mom, I am saying it is an adjustment.
I started this blog to record the happy, fun, adventurous, thrifty and mundane happenings in our life. Apparently I will also be recording the difficult moments as well. I want other moms to be encouraged by what I write. I want them to know that if they feel overwhelmed or have feeling of doubt in their mothering skills, I am right them with you. I am going to close with the list that I gave my husband. Maybe, just maybe, there will be a dad out there that will find it helpful. Thanks for reading.
1. Receiving a hug or a kiss when you get home from work. (not two hours later after you have adjusted to being home and have had a drink or two.)
2. Help with the dishes after dinner.
3. Making sure that every 3-4 days I have a chance to take a shower.