Progress…..07/30/2017 - Author: Natasha Phillips
Its been a while…I know. I think I felt like a broken record there for a while…you know, the one with a scratch in it that keeps repeating itself over and over again. I felt like I was in shock, like I wasn’t processing or accepting what was happening. People would ask how I was doing and I didn’t know how to answer. But now…now I feel like I’m healing. Lots has happened since I last wrote. We moved into our own house first of all. I can’t seem to unpack and get settled all the way but here we are, in our own space atleast. I bought a business also and love it. Granted there are adjustments but wow….what an amazing feeling to work with my hands all day and see a completed project at the end of the day…it’s a little victory each day and it has helped with my mental state. I am not angry at my ex anymore. I forgive him. I realize it isn’t all on him either. I also failed us, our marriage and covenant towards each other. I made mistakes too…I would like to take them back to just be able to say that I didn’t make any…selfishly it would be easier to process everything if I could blame him 100%, but I can’t. That being said…I have clearly realized I wasn’t crazy either and I wasn’t making things up in my head…I am glad I am not in that situation anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the idea of our family unit growing and being whole, together and experiencing life together in the traditional sense…but I don’t miss the anxiety, the anger, the confusion and the hurt. My shift has changed on what I think a family unit can endure and how we can still enjoy memories and occasions together without the strife. I’ve seen my kids come alive in their relationship with their dad…I LOVE that. It wouldn’t have happened if we had stayed, if things hadn’t been shaken and changed. I am not trying to rationalize it, I’m not saying it’s the best design…but for us…yes for our family…it has been what is best. I get sad when my kids are gone, I cry, and sometimes I don’t leave the house. BUT, I’m not angry anymore. I forgive and I’m ready to heal. This is life…this is my life…and I pray that I continue to grow as a Mom in this new role, in this new design that is our life. I pray I grow in Christ, that not only am I the Mom the boys need but that I become an example for Christ, an vessel of love and encouragement for others. I’m not healed but I’m not sad, and I am not angry anymore…and that is progress.
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