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Chaos, Failure and Love

01/25/2018 - Author: Natasha Phillips - 2 Comments

Do you ever feel like you are drowning? Drowning in a sea of anxiety, chaos, exhaustion, failure and more….I do, especially today. I think at times I give off the persona that I have things together…let me tell you…I DON’T! I feel like I am barely getting by some days and that one more thing might just make this mom…who is standing on a balancing beam…fall over. Like right now I have a room, my dining room to be exact, that I have actually closed the door to so that I don’t have to acknowledge the disaster that it is. My kids wanted to have an ‘art’ day….well they did and they got into the glitter. No big deal right? I was letting them be creative, not have screen time, they weren’t fighting in that moment and they were learning….yeah, learning how to make a mess! And, before you say…”hey that’s fine, you had a busy night.” this ‘art’ day happened over 3 weeks ago…yeah…let that soak in, we have been eating dinner on stools in the living room because I just am done, tired and can’t by the time we get home. Or there was last night, when at 8:00 I found out that my 5 year old needed to bring a poster to school with 100 things on it in the form of the number 100…TODAY. Now, I am sure there was a memo, even a poster board sent home at some point….but do I remember that?… absolutely not. So, my kid went with a yellow cardstock sheet and 100 fingerprints on it, because who has poster board laying around…not this mom. Yep…then there was two days ago where I literally told my 15 year old to stop being such a pansy and toughen up because raising my voice a couple decibels does NOT mean I am mad and all you kids need to take a chill pill. Then it hits me…he is 15, and my other two are 5 and 7. I don’t hardly remember when my oldest was 7…it goes so fast and here I am telling them to take a chill pill and in that moment or the days that follow I am in and out of this place where I feel guilty. Guilty that I am not calmer, that my kids don’t have a mom who ‘has it together’, that they are living in a sea of chaos and failure…but then it hits me too…they love me. They love me for all my screw ups, my ‘mom fails’, my chaos. They want to sit on my lap and tell me about their day…the oldest wants to lay on my bed and talk non-stop about a new hunting device or idea he has…the youngest could care less that his paper was yellow and it was just his fingerprints because he loved it and sat on my lap while everyone else was sleeping to do it. On days, when I can’t stop crying…like today, I am reminded that my anxiety, that me stressing about getting through and being organized isn’t what matters to my kids….It’s my hugs and my love…it’s my time that matters. So…to all the mom out there that feel like they just can’t make it through ‘one more day’…or have yelled at their kids today, just “can’t” clean up another mess, closed themselves in the bathroom for a few minutes, or forgotten a school project…I am WITH you….YOU are NOT alone. It’s okay, YOU are doing GREAT! YOU are AMAZING! and YOUR kids LOVE you! 🙂

My boys and I

Categories: Family Stories and Reflection, My Kids, The Journey

Discussion (2 Comments)

  1. by Paula Ferrari

    Natasha boy did this bring back memories! your doing a good job by the way:) I don’t even have kids at home anymore and I still have days like this!

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