Sometimes things just suck05/29/2017 - Author: Natasha Phillips - 13 Comments
Growing up in the country I never quite understood the gift that it was. By the time my teenage years hit, especially the later ones, I couldn’t wait to leave the life of gardens, space, not being 150 feet from your neighbor, the stars, peace that comes from being in the woods, and the wonder that fills your ears as birds sing their never ending songs. I ached for the life a city has to offer…thankfully that stage lasted about 2 years and I was over it. I was made for the country life…some people just are and I am one of those. Sitting on the porch swing right now at the house I am “watching” I am reminded of God’s faithfulness as I listen to the birds sing, feel the breeze and enjoy the blueness of the sky.
These last few weeks have been some of the roughest so far…especially the last few days. I pretty much feel like crying every time someone asks me how I’m doing…I don’t even know how to answer that. You see…tomorrow everything is final, everything is finished in a legal sense that is. I should be relieved but instead I’m filled with anger, frustration, sadness, and overwhelming disbelief. I’ve had time to prepare myself for this day, I’ve known it’s coming…but I’m not ready. I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe that the person I gave my heart to, that I thought I was going to grow old with, that I was going to make memories with is not going to be that person. I don’t know how to process that. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact it’s over. People have asked me why I left if I didn’t want it to end…that’s the confusing part for me. While I loved…love…him completely and with my whole heart…it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t safe mentally, it wasn’t a good or desirable relationship. Sure, we had great moments, great memories were made…even up to the last month I was home, but the anger, the words that were used against me, the behavior, the emotional mind games…it wasn’t a safe and healthy space. So why do I struggle? Why am I so pissed? Why can’t I be relieved? I don’t know. I wish I could just flip a switch. I can pretend to be happy and I do have happy moments. I feel myself becoming whole again, piece by piece…but my heart is so far from that right now I can’t imagine it ever becoming whole. I have friends who say…”you are better off, you will find someone who appreciates you.”, I know they are trying to be supportive but can’t even fathom that. I want him. I want him to want me more than alcohol. I want him to want me more than the anger that caused him to treat me the way he did. I want to go back and do my wrong over, to tell him I’m sorry for not including him in decisions, for emasculating him at times, for being negative, for being petty over things that don’t matter, for slamming the door, for not being strong enough to accept or handle his demons. I want a chance to rectify us, but instead I’m getting a divorce. He doesn’t want what I want, he doesn’t want me. I tell myself that maybe the idea of working on us is paralyzing for him…that it isn’t so much me as it’s the idea of what it will take, the things we both would have to give up. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life, I chose him…I chose to love unconditionally…did I give up? Is this my fault?
Today is Memorial Day…it’s a day to remember those that never made it home to their families…those that paid the ultimate price. I feel selfish today being sad for my marriage or ending rather…these wives, husbands, fathers, mothers, children and friends never got the chance to grow old, they didn’t get to finish their love stories…at least I will still see the one I chose, he isn’t in the ground never to converse with again…but right now I can’t even talk to him without crying. I wish tomorrow was over. Life goes so fast and I am not one for wishing time away…but I wish this part was over, that I could see it’s going to get easier to breathe, easier to function and that I’m not always going to be on the verge of tears.