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Sometimes things just suck

05/29/2017 - Author: Natasha Phillips - 13 Comments

Growing up in the country I never quite understood the gift that it was. By the time my teenage years hit, especially the later ones, I couldn’t wait to leave the life of gardens, space, not being 150 feet from your neighbor, the stars, peace that comes from being in the woods, and the wonder that fills your ears as birds sing their never ending songs. I ached for the life a city has to offer…thankfully that stage lasted about 2 years and I was over it. I was made for the country life…some people just are and I am one of those. Sitting on the porch swing right now at the house I am “watching” I am reminded of God’s faithfulness as I listen to the birds sing, feel the breeze and enjoy the blueness of the sky.

These last few weeks have been some of the roughest so far…especially the last few days. I pretty much feel like crying every time someone asks me how I’m doing…I don’t even know how to answer that. You see…tomorrow everything is final, everything is finished in a legal sense that is. I should be relieved but instead I’m filled with anger, frustration, sadness, and overwhelming disbelief. I’ve had time to prepare myself for this day, I’ve known it’s coming…but I’m not ready. I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe that the person I gave my heart to, that I thought I was going to grow old with, that I was going to make memories with is not going to be that person. I don’t know how to process that. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact it’s over. People have asked me why I left if I didn’t want it to end…that’s the confusing part for me. While I loved…love…him completely and with my whole heart…it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t safe mentally, it wasn’t a good or desirable relationship. Sure, we had great moments, great memories were made…even up to the last month I was home, but the anger, the words that were used against me, the behavior, the emotional mind games…it wasn’t a safe and healthy space. So why do I struggle? Why am I so pissed? Why can’t I be relieved? I don’t know. I wish I could just flip a switch. I can pretend to be happy and I do have happy moments. I feel myself becoming whole again, piece by piece…but my heart is so far from that right now I can’t imagine it ever becoming whole. I have friends who say…”you are better off, you will find someone who appreciates you.”, I know they are trying to be supportive but can’t even fathom that. I want him. I want him to want me more than alcohol. I want him to want me more than the anger that caused him to treat me the way he did. I want to go back and do my wrong over, to tell him I’m sorry  for not including him in decisions, for emasculating him at times, for being negative, for being petty over things that don’t matter, for slamming the door, for not being strong enough to accept or handle his demons. I want a chance to rectify us, but instead I’m getting a divorce. He doesn’t want what I want, he doesn’t want me. I tell myself that maybe the idea of working on us is paralyzing for him…that it isn’t so much me as it’s the idea of what it will take, the things we both would have to give up. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life, I chose him…I chose to love unconditionally…did I give up? Is this my fault?

Today is Memorial Day…it’s a day to remember those that never made it home to their families…those that paid the ultimate price. I feel selfish today being sad for my marriage or ending rather…these wives, husbands, fathers, mothers, children and friends never got the chance to grow old, they didn’t get to finish their love stories…at least I will still see the one I chose, he isn’t in the ground never to converse with again…but right now I can’t even talk to him without crying. I wish tomorrow was over. Life goes so fast and I am not one for wishing time away…but I wish this part was over, that I could see it’s going to get easier to breathe, easier to function and that I’m not always going to be on the verge of tears. 

Categories: Family Stories and Reflection, The Journey - Tag: , , , ,

Discussion (13 Comments)

  1. by Kendra Harrison
    Reply

    Very powerful article. I’m glad you have began the healing process, even if it’s just taking it minute by minute. My thoughts are with you!

  2. by Denny
    Reply

    I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away Natasha. I feel your pain right now because I remember many of these feelings myself. Keep talking and purging all these feelings. Pray, pray, pray for peace. I promise you it will come with time.
    Hang with the people that make you laugh and keep your mind busy. Hold your head up high for the kids and keep the peace with Matt for their sake. You are in my prayers precious friend.

  3. by Michelle Montague
    Reply

    Natasha, I promise you, somewhere down the road, you will look back and be so thankful that you were strong enough to walk away. This is a turning point in your life. Your future is determined by this. Be strong & be open for what is to come!! Love you!

  4. by Larry Shoemaker
    Reply

    The emotions you struggle with is much the same as mine when I lost Sandy. It takes time, lots of time, to feel anything close to normal again. There are days you will do well, then suddenly the grief will strike out of nowhere. Right now you need to focus on survival, for you and your kids. That’s tough, I know, but you have many who support you. Lean on those closest to you, they may not fully understand but they are on your side!

    • Thanks Larry. I have often thought of your posts of loss and grief…while so different from mine and much deeper than mine…I can relate on some odd level now. I am doing what you suggested, I was without the kids this weekend and those are tough…but I am focusing on them and that is pretty much it right now. That and becoming who I was designed to be in Christ, to be the woman He wants me to be and has planned for me…the person I have ran from for many years in a way.

  5. by Cheryl
    Reply

    My heart is so heavy for you!

    • Thanks Chery…things will get better I know. Looking forward to the new journey of business and such. I am thankful for my faith, family and support…I appreciate you.

  6. by Marlene
    Reply

    Enjoy and cherish your time on that porch. I do believe that God is there in the swing with you. I agree with Larry S. That it tales time. But also it takes Christ. Rely on Him daily. Come closer to Him each and every day. We love you and will do what we can for you.

    • That swing is quickly becoming a favorite of mine…I have used it often, and we ate outside tonight also at the picnic table. We are loving our time here so far, hope your trip is going wonderfully!!! Can’t wait to see more pictures. 🙂

  7. by Lee Ann
    Reply

    I understand your feelings all to well, I married for life, but sometimes for you to survive and not die you have to go on with your life..I guarantee it will make you a very strong women…I am happy with myself and love coming home to my house that I can do what I want…I know with your boys you will also get there..it will be hard for a while and you will still cry, but you will look back at all this and be amazed how happy and strong you have become..and God will be your best friend…stop by if you ever need a shoulder to lean on..

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