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Beginnings are scary, Endings are sad.

I had a friend tell me tonight that new beginnings are scary and endings are always sad…no matter the circumstance. I have refrained from writing because it isn’t anyone’s business how I feel, how I am processing things, the thoughts I have or the person I am becoming. The criticism, opinions, negativity was  becoming too much…I couldn’t breath, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think without hearing someone else’s voice in my head. It was suffocating, still is…but tonight I have to write, I have to get this out because I am breaking inside. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era, that I missed the boat on people that “get” me…then I realized I am way too much of an open book to be anything other than open about my heart, my feelings, my thoughts. If that makes me wrong…so be it…but maybe…just maybe it will encourage another person, and if not…I ask that you pray…that you pray for healing of my soul, my kids hearts and protection over all of us. If I would have known what would have happened 3 months ago maybe my path would have been different, maybe I would have thought more, maybe I would have done and moved forward in a different direction. Hindsight is 20/20…even with the knowledge of the scriptures, reading, praying and trying to do the ‘right thing’…hindsight is 20/20. Did there need to be a change? YES. Was there abuse? YES. Did it take 2 people to make my marriage disintegrate…those two people being both Matt and I? YES. Was I perfect? NO. Did I make mistakes? ABSOLUTELY. Was it all about his drinking? NO. What I am saying is it isn’t black and white, negative and positive, polar opposites. I left in December praying and hoping for change…a recognition of his treatment of me…that it couldn’t continue that way any longer and if that meant he would cease drinking then that is what he needed to do…beyond that he also needed to see that the way he treated me was completely backwards. Did he eventually do that? YES. I am SO proud of him…he stopped drinking first…no recognition of what he did or remorse of his treatment of me, that followed…much later but it did follow. For that I am proud, I can forgive, I can rebuild, I can grow…and I pray that he does the same. However, I wasn’t prepared for what followed…the realization on his part that he no longer wanted to be married to me, that he doesn’t like me or love me, that he doesn’t want a life with me. I thought by him getting sober and recognizing his treatment of me…everything would be okay, boy was I wrong. Today he filed for divorce. We are going to counseling, we are talking, things are okay…we have a building block to start with and he is walking away…he doesn’t want me. He does want the kids and for that I am so very thankful. He is a good dad and will grow continuously to be a better one…of that I have no doubt. But why doesn’t he want me? Am I that bad? Are my mistakes that awful? Have I made things that miserable at home? These are the questions plaguing my mind tonight, tugging at my heart, and weighing on my very being. Should I have done things differently? I DON’T KNOW. Is this what needed to happen for him to become the father the boys deserve? I DON’T KNOW. Did I make mistakes and missteps since I left in December? HELL YEAH I DID. Am I embarrassed…disappointed in myself and sad? ABSOLUTELY. I don’t think relationships are easy. I think they take work. I still believe in marriage. I believe in God’s design of the union of a man and wife. My husband doesn’t want me anymore…I can’t fix that, I can’t change that, I can’t go back and do everything over from the last 5 years until now. I know I am sad, I am angry and I am frustrated. I know that those feelings may be different tomorrow and then again the day after that. I know that I am not perfect…so what now…how do I go forward? I go forward in the Lord, I go forward submitting my life to Him, not fighting Him, not looking for how I want my life to look in accordance to HIS plans on my life. I go forward by pouring into my kids. I go forward by loving Matt, by working with him, by not fighting with him and understanding that this is where he is and I need to respect it. I go forward by acknowledging my mistakes…taking ownership that it doesn’t just take one person for a relationship to fall apart…but it takes two. I go forward by not living in a place of shame. I go forward by putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time. I go forward by being true to myself. I have people in my life that are going to be negative, that are going to hate me, that are going to put me down, that can not understand what I lived in and why I left, that are going to constantly throw my mistakes in my face…I GO FORWARD by accepting that they have their opinion and I do not have to own their opinion but I have to allow them to feel the way they feel like I am allowed to feel the way I feel. I go forward with these people by showing them that I love them and am not threatened by them. I go forward for my kids…I do not divide them from their dad but instead encourage them to have a relationship with him, to forgive him, to love him and to move on with him. I go forward by forgiving myself and understand that God isn’t punishing me…but instead wants to gather me to His arms and say, “my child…I’ve got you…put your trust in me.”

Tonight however I am sad…I am confused and I am torn. Tonight isn’t a good night. I can tell my brain one thing but my heart feels another. Tonight I feel like two people in one body and I don’t like the way I feel.

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