I just had to say it….
In my life I can see specific moments of growth and moments of destruction. I feel often like if my life were laid out for everyone to see they would see 3 steps forward and 5 steps backwards often times in the same day. I don’t know if its like that for anyone else but even in adulthood I see many of the same frustrations in myself as others saw in me when I was a teenager and I can’t help but wonder if it is because of an unwillingness to grow, to evolve, to change or if its because the other person has stayed put…stuck in this image of who I was instead of seeing who I think I have become. I think it is easy to look at another person and assume they have their life together and instead they are falling apart at the seams. Every little sudden move might result in the stitches being torn wide open and their flaws and insecurities are right there…BAM…for all the world to see. I have been struggling all day with how to write this post. I know it has to be written but I am so drained right now I don’t want to go deep enough to write it. I don’t want to admit to myself that I feel like the world is crashing down around me…that the breaths I take are almost impossible and that every moment I am questioning my every move. Should I send this text or should I not? Should I write these words or is that too harsh or direct? Can I say what my heart is screaming or will I be judged? Is it okay to want something different than what you think others want for you or is it selfish? Am I screwing my kids up or are they going to be okay?
One of my weaknesses in life has often been being in having a relationship with the wrong guy. Doesn’t mean that they weren’t great it just means they were wrong for me. If I were to write out a list of my indiscretions with relationships it would provide a pretty good look into may of the issues and insecurities I had/have. It was easy for me to fall for those that needed help themselves, that needed someone to care for them, that needed ‘fixing’ if you will. Probably in part because if I wasn’t with someone more messed up than me then I wouldn’t have to look inside myself and say, “Lord…what the heck is my problem. I need you and I need you to fix me.” No, if I was with someone a bigger wreck than I then it justified my behavior. Don’t get me wrong…I have loved and been loved deeply it wasn’t like these guys or relationships were the worst things in the world. But, each one took another piece of me. Each failed one was yet another failure and when Boyd was in the picture it was another way that I had let him down. That I had possibly ‘messed’ him up for years down the road. I am not writing any of this for you to feel sorry for me, or think of someway to console me…I am writing these things for me to get rid of them. For me to stop harboring them and to forgive myself. I’ve made countless mistakes and an obvious one is my relationship path…that is the thing about grace though. I think that we can be walking outside of the path that has been designed for us, but when we are ready to cry out, when we are ready to humble ourselves before the throne there is a love extended unlike any we have ever known or can experience any other way. That love, that grace is extended and He pulls us close and says…’okay, I am not going to punish you…there are consequences that you will have to live with and work through but no my child, I am ready to walk beside you, to carry you and to lift you to greater heights than you have ever known’. Right now I am in a very dark place in my marriage…right now I don’t see how things are going to work out, going to right themselves and going to improve. Maybe they won’t. There is a part of me that doesn’t want them to. I mean I want them to for the sake of my kids but not because I REALLY want it. I don’t want to go back to a place I questioned my every move, my every thought and what would be said to me if I did something he doesn’t like or agree with. How do I process all of that? How do I make the best decision and how do I move forward? I don’t know…but I do know that I have someone, the most HIGH KING, who is taking my hand, who is walking next to me and who has carried me at many points over the last few years and especially this past month when I could hardly stand. We all have those silent demons that eat away at us, the crushing weight of the world and as mothers I think we feel it on a greater scale. Probably because we are exhausted with trying to make sure we get through every day. We have laundry, groceries, kids homework, all the running, accounting, bills to deal with and so much more. Satan come into our lives and disrupts our kids, darkens our view and takes our joy. We are so busy trying to survive that we forget to ask for help from the One who can carry our burdens with us. Christ wants to have a relationship with us, He wants to love us with an agape kind of love, He wants to carry our burdens, He wants to forgive and give grace…I am trying to live in that place right now. The place where He is my all, where He is the one I turn to and where He is the one who is carrying me.
This song is one of the many that are encouraging me these days.